Love Actually
Love Actually
Why Some Marriages Thrive While Others Struggle
Why do some marriages thrive while others struggle to stay afloat? After years of counseling couples, I’ve noticed one consistent truth: what people are really searching for isn’t complicated—it’s love, actually!—a Christlike love. Whether they realize it or not, they’re yearning for the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13 and a home filled with the peace, joy, and kindness found in the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). These timeless principles form the foundation of a thriving, Christ-centered marriage.
Love actually is a choice—an intentional decision to actively sacrifice and serve. Think about it: Scripture doesn’t give us a warm and fuzzy definition of love. Instead, it lays out a list of do’s and don’t’s, turning love into an action plan rather than just a feeling.
Paul starts off strong in 1 Corinthians 13 by listing two qualities of love that everyone wants but no one has time for—patience and kindness. Ever notice how we expect patience from others but don’t always want to practice it ourselves? "Sure, I’d love to be patient, but could you hurry up already?”
Then Paul gets into what love doesn’t do, as if to clear up any lingering confusion. Love does not envy or boast (okay, I can manage that), is not arrogant or rude (well… define rude), does not insist on its own way (this is getting personal), is not irritable or resentful (alright, now I’m uncomfortable).
At least I don’t struggle with all of them. I mean, I’m definitely not boastful, and I try not to be envious, but insisting on my own way? Guilty. Irritable? Didn’t get enough sleep—so yes. Resentful? Only when I’m right, and no one acknowledges it.
Oh, just leave me alone! This is about you, not me!
Paul then circles back to love’s positive qualities—probably sensing we needed some encouragement after that last round of conviction. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love isn’t just about grand gestures or fleeting emotions. It’s a daily, practical, sometimes painfully humbling choice to put someone else’s needs before your own. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll need God’s help with this list.
The action of love—the sacrifice, commitment, selflessness, serving with conviction, forgiveness without contempt, patience, and the kindness—create the feelings. The emotions of love are only followed by the actions of love. When couples begin to see love as an active commitment expressed through Christlike character—patience, kindness, humility, and forgiveness—their entire relationship changes.
But the opposite is also true. When anger, jealousy, and pride take root, they slowly chip away at the foundation of trust and intimacy. The good news? Christlike love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a skill that can be developed. With intention and faith, anyone can cultivate the kind of love that lasts. This kind of love—selfless, sacrificial, and rooted in Christ—stands in stark contrast to the world’s view of love.
But what exactly is love?
Love: The Foundational Character of Christ
Why are humans so obsessed with love? We say we’d die for it, fight for it, and walk 500 miles—and then 500 more—for it. Yet society often reduces love to something we buy, sell, or use for our own benefit. For some, love becomes a tool—to gain status, secure finances, have fun, or justify selfish actions. It’s no wonder love is so often reduced to a consumer game, driven by the question: “What’s in it for me?”
But why are we so captivated by the ideals of love? Because God designed you to desire love—His love—so you can truly understand the nature of His character. Love is the foundational characteristic of Christ, woven into the very fabric of who you are as His creation. Our longing for connection, affection, and closeness reflects the image of a loving God who deeply desires a relationship with you. Through receiving God’s love and experiencing His presence, He enables you to share real love with others. It is through this divine connection that we are able to model a Christlike character.
God’s love is an active force. Real love—the kind God designed—isn’t about taking. It’s about giving. It’s not a fleeting feeling but a reflection of God’s character. It’s about serving, building up, and creating intimacy. This kind of love is deeply satisfying, enduring, and life-changing because it mirrors the way God loves us—selflessly, fully, and unconditionally.
But what does this love look like in practice?
What Does Scripture Say About Love?
Scripture provides a clear and actionable blueprint for love, especially in marriage. The Apostle Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV) is foundational:
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
To deepen our understanding, let’s look at another translation: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (AMP):
"Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]."
Each word in this passage reflects the character of Christ. Love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a series of intentional choices that mirror God’s nature. Patience, kindness, humility, and perseverance are the foundation of real love and the key to a lasting, Christ-centered marriage.
At our core, we all need connection. This passage teaches us exactly how to love others well. If someone says they love you but doesn’t show these traits, are they really loving you? And if we claim to love our spouse but fail to live these qualities out, are we truly embodying the love God calls us to give?
Love—God’s love—is a daily actionable choice that will bring about the feelings that create emotional connection.
Let’s break each characteristic down:
Patience in marriage means giving your spouse the time and space to grow, change, and even make mistakes without rushing to frustration or judgment. It’s about creating a safe environment where both of you feel accepted for who you are, which helps build resilience and stability in your relationship.
Kindness is all about choosing gentleness and compassion, even in the tough moments. Being kind to your spouse—listening, supporting, or just showing thoughtfulness—softens tensions and builds trust. It’s a simple but powerful way to say, “I care about you and your well-being.”
Not Envious: Love celebrates the wins and growth of your spouse without jealousy or comparison. When envy is set aside, there’s room to fully support and encourage each other, creating a culture of positivity and teamwork in your home.
Not Boastful or Proud: Humility is key in marriage. It’s about valuing your spouse’s strengths, opinions, and contributions without letting ego get in the way. A humble attitude keeps things balanced, preventing self-centeredness from tipping the scales.
Not Self-Seeking: Love in marriage isn’t about keeping score or always putting yourself first. It’s about practicing selflessness—prioritizing your spouse’s needs alongside your own. This creates an atmosphere of generosity and collaboration where both partners feel valued and supported.
Not Easily Angered: Let’s face it: marriage can have its frustrating moments. But a Christlike character chooses calmness and grace over quick tempers. Responding rather than reacting helps preserve peace and respect, even during tough conversations.
Keeps No Record of Wrongs: Forgiveness is the lifeblood of a strong marriage. Love doesn’t keep score or hold past mistakes over your spouse’s head; instead, it chooses grace. Letting go of grudges creates emotional safety and keeps resentment from taking root in your relationship.
I know—keeping no records of wrongs can be a tough one for many of us. But don’t worry, we’ll dive deeper into this in the chapters ahead. We’ll explore forgiveness, setting boundaries, addressing consequences, fostering healthy and positive changes, and rebuilding trust step by step.
Protects: To protect your marriage is to guard it from harm—whether that’s physical, emotional, or spiritual. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing each other’s well-being, and keeping your commitment strong ensures your relationship feels safe and secure.
Trusts is the backbone of a strong marriage. When you trust your spouse’s intentions and loyalty, you create a space where vulnerability thrives. Trust opens the door to deeper conversations, greater honesty, and true intimacy.
Hope is what keeps a marriage looking forward. It’s about dreaming together, setting shared goals, and staying anchored in the belief that brighter days are ahead—even when life gets tough.
Perseveres is love’s staying power. It means showing up for each other, not just in the easy seasons but also through the hard times. A marriage built on perseverance is one that embodies strength and resilience.
Honor is all about valuing your spouse as a gift from God. It’s expressed in loyalty, faithfulness, and choosing to avoid anything that could harm or disrespect your marriage. As Hebrews 13:4 reminds us, holding marriage in honor means safeguarding the commitment you’ve made.
Respect is mutual—it’s about recognizing and valuing your spouse’s individuality, thoughts, and needs. As Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Respect is the glue that holds a marriage partnership together, keeping it rooted in equality and shared reverence.
Love Actually—A Happy Life
The Fruits of the Spirit’s Impact on Marriage and Family
When you think about the kind of home you want to build, doesn’t it feel natural to envision one full of love, joy, and peace? Galatians 5:22-23 describes the fruits of the Spirit—traits that should naturally grow in a biblically based, Christlike home. These qualities are God-given traits for those who have the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. Just as an apple tree bears apples, Christ-followers will bear these fruits. As Jesus said, “You will know them by their fruits. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles?” (Matthew 7:16).
Similarly, Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV) outlines the fruits of the Spirit:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”
Since this is another foundational verse for marriage, let’s also consider it in another translation Galatians 5:22-23 (MSG):
“But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way.”
These fruits are the natural outcome of a life aligned with Christ, enriching both the individual and the marriage. They cultivate grace, generosity, and humility, creating a safe and loving environment where both partners feel valued and secure. In contrast, traits like jealousy, anger, and pride tear down intimacy and lead to disconnection. A marriage built on the “good fruits” of the Spirit remains anchored in Christlike love, fostering lasting joy and fulfillment.
Scripture warns us not to judge someone’s salvation, but it clearly encourages us to discern a person’s character by their fruits. These traits—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—are evidence of a person who authentically posses a Christlike character. They also remind us of a powerful truth: no matter how difficult life’s circumstances may be, a Christ-follower has access to these attributes because they come from the Holy Spirit, not their own strength.
When the fruits of the Spirit show up in daily life, they reflect the character of Christ in each spouse. They transform the home into a place grounded in love, faithfulness, and grace—a place where everyone feels valued, safe, and deeply cared for. These traits aren’t just a blessing for the individual; they create an environment where marriage and family can truly thrive.
Let’s take a closer look at how these character traits impact marriage and family life:
Love as a fruit of the Spirit goes beyond romantic gestures—it’s about sacrificial, unconditional commitment. It’s the kind of love that says, “I’m here for you no matter what.” This type of love transforms your home into a haven of acceptance and security, where everyone feels safe and cherished.
Joy brings gratitude and delight into your relationships. It’s about finding reasons to celebrate life together, even in the little things. Joy creates a positive atmosphere that uplifts both spouses and kids, strengthening the bond in the family.
Peace reflects God’s calming presence in your marriage. It helps you navigate conflict or stressful situations without the chaos. When peace is present, the home becomes a stable and grounding place where everyone feels secure, even during tough times.
Patience allows grace to flow, especially when dealing with each other’s weaknesses or the ups and downs of raising children. It creates an environment where growth is encouraged, and everyone feels valued no matter where they are in their journey.
Kindness is the warmth that colors everyday interactions. It’s in the way you speak gently to your spouse, help your kids with their homework, or even show thoughtfulness in small acts of care. Kindness builds mutual respect and makes home a comforting place to return to.
Goodness is all about living with integrity and moral excellence. It sets the tone for a household where honesty and righteousness are celebrated. Modeling goodness as parents creates a powerful example for children to follow.
Faithfulness is the bedrock of trust and loyalty in marriage. Staying committed to your spouse shows reliability and devotion, creating a secure family environment. It also demonstrates to your kids what true commitment looks like.
Gentleness invites openness and vulnerability. When you respond with gentleness, it diffuses tension and shows your family they can express themselves without fear of harshness. In marriage, gentleness promotes understanding and fosters deeper connection.
Self-Control helps manage emotions and maintain respectful boundaries. It’s the ability to pause, respond thoughtfully, and prevent conflicts from escalating. This discipline creates a harmonious and stable home life, benefiting the entire family.
Love Is Intentional Action
Love is in the Everyday Actions
Do you ever wonder what love is supposed to feel like in your everyday life? If so, you will be surprised at what I have discovered.
Throughout Scripture, love isn’t described as a fleeting emotion or a feel-good experience—it’s a call to intentional action. Intentional, active love is a Christlike characteristic, one rooted in dedication, selflessness, and sacrifice. It’s only through giving and receiving love in this way that deep, lasting emotions emerge.
Sure, you might imagine grand gestures or sweeping romantic moments, but real, Christlike love is most often found in the quiet, everyday choices you make. It’s in how you respond during disagreements—choosing gentle words over harsh ones, seeking understanding instead of trying to win the argument. It’s in the habit of saying "thank you" for each other’s contributions, big or small, and offering patience and grace when stress threatens to take over.
True love isn’t defined by fleeting emotions but by the deliberate choice to embody Christlike character in how you treat your spouse. It’s about showing kindness instead of anger, practicing patience in the face of frustration, and offering forgiveness even when it feels undeserved. Love is revealed in small, consistent actions—like putting down your phone to truly listen or offering encouragement during tough moments.
It might mean preparing your spouse’s favorite meal after a long day, even when you’re tired, or being the first to apologize after a disagreement, even if you feel justified. Love is also praying for your spouse, seeking God’s guidance and blessings for them, especially when your emotions don’t align with your commitment. These intentional acts communicate, “I see you, I value you, and I’m here for you.”
At its core, love as an action is choosing humility over pride and selflessness over selfishness. It’s prioritizing your spouse’s needs, even when it requires sacrifice. Christlike love reflects kindness, patience, forgiveness, and grace—qualities that build trust, deepen intimacy, and create lasting security in your relationship.
These small, intentional choices may not always feel significant, but they are what truly demonstrate love in action. They remind your spouse that love is steady, reliable, and present—even in life’s hardest moments. And isn’t that the kind of love we all long for?
The kind of love that shows up every day in ways that truly matter.
Selfishness Is at the Root of All Evil
The Greatest Threat to Self and Thriving Relationships
Do you ever catch yourself thinking, “But what about me?” If so, you’re not alone. Selfishness is one of the most natural human tendencies. I’ll admit—I can be selfish at times (sorry, dear).
Selfishness is one of the most natural human responses. I see it in my kids—they all went through the classic mine phase, clutching toys like tiny treasure hoarders. At first, it’s adorable. Then, it’s mildly amusing. But when it escalates to hitting or tantrums, it becomes a problem.
Where do they learn this? From parents? Peers? Maybe. But the deeper truth is that selfishness is innate—it’s part of our sin nature. From childhood on, we wrestle with the pull toward me first selfserving thinking.
Now, let’s clear up a common misconception. You’ve probably heard—or maybe even misquoted—the phrase “Money is the root of all evil.” But that’s not what the Bible says. 1 Timothy 6:10 states, “For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.” That distinction matters. Money itself is neutral—it can be used for good or harm. It’s the selfish pursuit of money, power, or personal gain that leads to sin.
And here’s the hard truth: selfishness is the greatest threat to a thriving marriage. When a spouse prioritizes their own desires over God and their partner, disconnection and conflict follow. Shifting from “What’s best for me?” to “What’s best for us?” isn’t easy—it requires intentional effort and a willingness to let go of self-interest. Our natural instinct is to protect our comfort and prioritize our own wants.
The problem arises when love becomes distorted by selfishness. Love focused on “What can I get?” is unsustainable. It fades quickly, leaving people empty and searching for something real. When love turns transactional, it loses its essence and no longer fulfills.
But this is where God’s grace changes everything. Through Him, selfishness can be transformed into selfless love—the Christlike character that nurtures, sacrifices, and strengthens your marriage. A thriving relationship isn’t built on what you can get but on what you’re willing to give.
Selfish tendencies often sneak into marriage unnoticed—insisting on having your way, refusing to compromise, or withholding affection might seem minor in the moment, but over time, they erode trust and connection. One spouse might prioritize their own needs, while the other values being right over being kind. Left unchecked, selfishness breeds resentment, disconnection, and mistrust.
In today’s culture, where self-interest and personal gratification are celebrated, it’s easy to slip into a me over wementality. Society glorifies success, pride, and self-promotion—values that distort God’s design for love. Left unchecked, these can lead to a self-centered mindset that undermines the humility and selflessness required for a Christ-centered marriage.
But Christ modeled something radically different. His love was marked by humility, compassion, and self-sacrifice. He calls us to serve and honor our spouse, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. A marriage built on Christlike love requires stepping away from the world’s self-centered patterns and embracing mutual respect, grace, and sacrifice. While countercultural, these values form the foundation of a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
That said, biblical selflessness doesn’t mean neglecting your well-being or allowing harm in your marriage. Healthy boundaries, mutual respect, and self-care enable you to serve from a place of strength, not depletion. A loving spouse will encourage their partner to take time for themselves—whether through prayer, friendships, hobbies, or rest. Living in balance honors God’s design for individuals and marriages alike, ensuring both partners feel valued and renewed.
Overcoming selfish tendencies starts with self-awareness and prayer. Bringing these struggles before God allows Him to shape your heart, growing you in humility and grace. Over time, these intentional choices foster a deeper connection, transforming your marriage into a partnership where love is selfless, mutual, and Christlike.
Conclusion
In the end, happy marriages are built on a foundation of intentional, Christlike love—a love that chooses patience over frustration, kindness over harshness, and selflessness over selfishness. This kind of love isn’t about grand gestures or fleeting emotions; it’s found in the everyday actions that say, “I see you, I value you, and I’m here for you.” It’s in the small, consistent choices to prioritize your spouse’s needs, to forgive without keeping score, and to serve even when it’s inconvenient. While selfishness may come naturally, it’s through God’s grace and guidance that we can transform our tendencies into selfless love, creating a relationship that reflects His character.
A Christ-centered marriage isn’t just about avoiding conflict or surviving challenges—it’s about thriving together, rooted in the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities, nurtured through prayer and intentional effort, build trust, deepen intimacy, and create a lasting bond that can withstand life’s storms. So, as you reflect on your own marriage, remember: love is a choice, a daily commitment to act with humility, grace, and sacrifice. And when you choose to love like Christ, you’ll find not only a stronger marriage but also a deeper connection to the One who is love itself. Isn’t that the kind of love—and the kind of life—we all long for?
